Shut your mouth moments

There are a few things I know about women.
I Know that under no circumstances, never, ever, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant. Not even if you are taking her to the maternity hospital.

The answer to any question regarding her weight in any outfit is 'I love you'. That's it, just say those words and walk away because as soon as you put conditions on it, even ones you think are good, you will be in trouble. For example, 'I love you just the way you are' will end in you explaining exactly HOW SHE IS.
'I love you' is also the answer to 'do you think she is prettier than me'.
'I love you' is the relationship equivalent of the 'Get out of jail free' card in Monopoly. Any conditions added to those three words will end with you being given the 'you're in the doghouse' card.
Just say the words and walk away. If you stay there you will be asked questions like 'how much'. WALK AWAY!

Do not compare her with another woman even if it's in a way that you think is a compliment. If you start talking about other women it will only lead to questions. Questions you do not want to answer. Here's an example, let's say you've managed to track down one of those mythical creatures known as the 'woman footy lover'. You're at a game with her because she wanted to go there and not to some chick flick, you turn to her and say ... 'My last girlfriend would never go to the footy with me' or 'I love you'? Let me warn you that the former will probably end up with you explaining how many hours in the day you spend thinking about your last girlfriend. Oh, and don't say 'I love you because you go to the footy with me'. Just say the three words and shut up.

Never assume anything. For example, when you see the accountant, who comes into work once or twice a month, talking to a bloke in a car, do not say to her 'I hope that ugly critter isn't your husband, coz you could do a lot better'. You will only find out later that it was an arranged marriage.

Just shut your mouth. The only things you need to say to a woman is 'thank you', 'yes dear', and 'I love you'. If you can't say any of those phrases then you have no business talking to her.